It is all in the attitude. When you hear that your precious little gift from God isn't perfect, like you think he is, there are a gamut of emotions that pour down on you. At first you have relief because you're not crazy. You're validated that you as a mom know when something is wrong with your kid. Doctors, schools, psychiatrists, psychologists, and the like can give you an idea but they don't really know either. How much time do they really spend with your child? I have carried this life for 9 long months, I have watched him roll over, sit up, walk, and talk. I have worried when he was sick at night or his wheezing was worse than normal. I have read the books on different behaviours that have concerned me. What do they know? They know only what he is compared to every other typical child. I know who he is to me and to our family. I know who he is to God. So it's all in the attitude. Big K might be high functioning Autistic but he is special to God. He is sensitive, loving, and kind. As long as you do everything the way he wants and needs it to be done, you will be showered with hugs and kisses. If you don't do it his way then you might be told "do you see these teeth? Remember they are for biting...just reminding ya". However, when you pull him aside and you listen to his heart you know that it's just his junk masking how he feels. All he really means is, "I'm feeling frustrated and not listened to, don't you get angry when you feel that way?" I love him past all of his junk. I love him for who he is. I love him for who he will be or won't be. He is my son and nothing will take that away.
All my hopes and dreams for my Big K will come true. Sure it gets depressing when day in and day out I struggle with his attitude and defiance but sometimes I look at him and think I wonder if this is how God feels. Here I am and all my junk and he sees past it to my heart and loves me just as much anyway.
Psalm 139:14
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; you're works are wonderful, I know that full well."
{S}
2 comments:
Reread this every day for it is beautiful and truthful about you, Big K and God's love for you both.
And remember we love you too.
Love,
Aunt Rayann
Beautiful, maybe you are an author and just do not know it yet. That was a very touching, truthful revelation of the pain, the love, and the struggle but also the faith of a mother of four. I love you, Shan. Keep the faith and keep trusting God, and letting Him lead you. He already knows the way and the path just follow Him as He leads you down it, to it and through it.
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